polling all snackers

I am remiss for having not read this important news bulletin from PepsiCo. (Was this not in the Wall Street Journal? Wha?)

The snack behemoth conducted a SCIENTIFIC study that came to the stunning conclusion that "it's no surprise that the vast majority of U.S. adults (98 percent) can't resist the urge to nosh." I will also bet that 98% of telephone survey professionals vomited on themselves every time they had to say nosh, but I'm no Harris Interactive.

Another fascinating snacktoid, they determined that "people will go to great lengths, with 52 percent of U.S. adults reporting that they have made a special trip for a snack and 23 percent having gone so far as to have eaten a snack off the floor!" (!!!!)

To what end, you might ask, is this snack census??

To sell you cardboard poker chips, of course!

"To answer the tummy grumble when the craving hits, New Quaker Mini Delights, mini multigrain rice cakes drizzled in indulgent flavors [CHEMICALS.]"

NO THANK YOU! Please just continue to sell me snacks through the use of cartoons, check out line displays and bus stop advertising, no FACTS necessary.